


This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race

by ken_ichijouji (dommific)



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Food Fight, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 03:23:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/pseuds/ken_ichijouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The five times one of the crew got caught in the crossfire of Jim and Bones' food fights, and the one time the crew witnessed something completely different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race

**Author's Note:**

> ~~I started this well over a year ago, and it was a kink meme prompt that I unfortunately didn’t bookmark because I am possibly the dumbest human being alive. Well okay, there are plenty of people who are dumber than I am, but I feel pretty dumb for not saving the prompt.~~ So here, have a silly one-shot where apparently I think Gary Mitchell is Carl Lumburg from _Office Space_. You’ll know the line when you see it. I FOUND THE PROMPT. [The Five Times One of the Crew Witnessed the Jim-Bones Food Fight of ’__ and the One Time All of Them Saw Something That Was Decidedly Not a Food Fight](http://www.diigo.com/bookmark/http%3A%2F%2Fcommunity.livejournal.com%2Fst_xi_kink_meme%2F11451.html%3Fthread%3D11346363%23t11346363?tab=people&uname=startrekxikink).
> 
> Also the artichoke thing is based on something that really happened to me once. Ditto Jim’s constant confusion over it.
> 
>  
> 
> Seriously who the fuck brings an artichoke to a goddamn food fight? How is that playing fair? You’re not supposed to hurt people, just get their clothes messed up!
> 
>  
> 
> The puns are, in order:  
> The Wars of the Risottos - The Wars of the Roses (1455-1485)  
> The Invasion of Artichoke - The Invasion of Russia (1812)  
> The Second Battle of Cream Pie - The Second Battle of Changsha (1941)  
> The Sinking of the Beef Wellington - The Sinking of the Bismarck (1941)  
> Operation: Just Chocolate – Operation: Just Cause (1989)  
> Moonlight Revenge - Moonlight Raid (1808)
> 
> Title from the song by [Fall Out Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNm5drtAQXs).

_The Wars of the Risottos_

Hikaru Sulu made his way down the hall of his dorm, laundry basket in tow during the third Sunday afternoon after arriving at Starfleet Academy. He managed to finish his work early for once (after all, stellar cartography was a killer) and thus was able to clean his uniforms before muster at oh-six on a Monday.

It was oddly quiet in the dorm, probably because everyone spent the whole weekend partying, and they were all frantically trying to get their work finished. Sure, Starfleet Academy only recruited the best and brightest from the Ivies, Cambridge, and the Sorbonne, but they were still young and for some reason all exceptionally good looking. 

Shit happened.

He was listening to music through a portable player on his wrist, sometimes singing along. 

This was unfortunate.

It was unfortunate because if he had been paying closer attention he would have heard the door slide open. He certainly would have been more likely to notice the blond guy running and laughing out of it. 

At least, he would have noticed before the dude grabbed him and held him in place.

“What the hell?” The movement managed to make one of his ear buds fall, allowing him to hear half of what was happening.

“Bystander rule, Bones,” the douche shouted. “You wouldn’t dare!”

A dark-haired man, older than the rest of the cadets Hikaru guessed, appeared in the doorway with a bowl of something. There were white spatters all over the front of his T-shirt that proclaimed Ole Miss to be the best place on Earth.

“You wanna try me,” he called back with a bit of a growl in his voice.

“Oh come on, I didn’t do it in purpose...the first time. After that it was just hilarious,” the douche admitted with a somewhat sheepish expression. “But you’re not gonna get this guy are you? He has nothing to do with this.”

“I didn’t until you manhandled me,” Sulu snapped.

“Shhhh, go with it. Trust me. I’ll owe you like...all of the favors.”

“Really rather you just let me go.”

“But...you’re my leverage. We need each other.”

“What I need is to do my laundry, man. Seriously I don’t know what kind of crap you’re into but just,” he said through clenched teeth as he began to thrash in the guy’s grip. “Just let me go---”

That was when “Bones” dumped the contents of the bowl onto the douche’s head. Wow, neither of them had even seen him move. This guy would make a great ninja. Hikaru found himself wondering if he was black ops or something.

The douche let go of him finally and stood up to his full height, wiping what appeared to be some kind of rice-thing out of his eyes. He sniffed once and flung the food onto the floor. Some of it dripped onto Hikaru’s shoulder.

Ugh, gross, it smelled like cheese.

The other guy smirked. “Hope you’ve learned your lesson now, kid. C’mon, I got the rest of dinner ready.”

Licking his lips to get some of the...whatever off his face, the douche squinted at Hikaru. “Sorry, man. Wrong place, wrong time. I promise the next time you stroll by there’ll be no risotto bombs.”

With that, the douche made his way back into his dorm. The other guy started to follow, but not before giving Hikaru an apologetic smile of his own.

For a moment he wondered if it was too late for him to get his deposit back and move home with his parents uptown.

 

_Artichoke Gate_

It was the week before finals and everyone at the academy was tense. Papers were due, studying was happening, and the partying had virtually ceased. 

Leonard Horatio “Bones” McCoy was reading his anatomy notes on his PADD with a worried frown on his face. Sure he was top of his class but he didn’t wish to get over confident and lose that. 

Across from him, Jim sat with Gary Mitchell and they were going over protocols and procedures for the emergency evacuations of Federation colonies. Gary had gotten one wrong, and Jim was explaining the finer points to him.

Tuesdays in the mess hall meant your choice of beefaroni, vegetable lasagna, or the sorriest looking gumbo Leonard had ever seen. Seriously, it was orange. Gumbo was _never_ supposed to be orange, it was meant to be dark brown. The kitchen staff at Starfleet was made of sadists, he was certain of it. He slowly took a bite of his beefaroni, chasing it quickly with his water. 

Christ, could they put any more salt into this shit?

“...And that’s when you evacuate,” Jim finished. “You were a couple of steps ahead of yourself.”

“Right, thanks,” Gary responded absently as he made a note on his PADD. 

“Anytime. I mean, it comes naturally so I’m happy to help out people who are having issues.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back, Jim.”

Jim rolled his own eyes in return. “I’m just saying I’m glad to help out since I’m good at this.”

“You’re rubbing it in. Isn’t humility supposed to be part of being a good captain?”

“I have humility.”

The expression on Bones’ face as he looked up from his PADD could only be described as _baleful_.

Jim scoffed. “I totally have humility. I’m always humble.”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh shut up, I so am. It’s not my fault people get dazzled by my natural awesomeness.”

“Your _natural awesomeness_? Really, Jim?”

“It’s true, Bones. I’m the poster child for ‘women want me and men want to be me.’ Hell even the men want me. Everyone else should be so lucky.”

Gary looked back and forth between them for a moment before completing the circle and rolling his eyes as well.

“You go ahead and think that, princess. Some of us are happy the way we are.”

“Some of us are happy being curmudgeons that try to ruin everyone else’s fun, you mean.”

Raising an eyebrow, Bones looked at Jim incredulously. “Ruin everyone else’s fun? Because I don’t let you give yourself alcohol poisoning or because I specified no sex in the room when I’m around?”

Jim opened his mouth for a moment, then closed it once before replying. “I mean all that nagging about eating my vegetables and doing my homework. I’m twenty-two, Bones, I don’t need you hovering over me.”

“I don’t hover, you asshat. The nagging I’ll cop to, but hovering? Don’t flatter yourself.”

“I just know that whenever I’m in our quarters you’re right there all over me. You practically read over my shoulder.”

“That’s really funny considering how much I’m studying my own coursework while you’re around.”

Jim shrugged. “I call it like I see it---”

Gary cleared his throat loudly and they both stared at him. “Hi. Would it be possible for you two to just go ahead and fuck already to spare the rest of us your flirting? That’d be great, okay? Thanks.”

Bones raised both eyebrows. Ignoring the part where Gary was being a pissant, that was...well it wasn’t...it’s not that he hadn’t thought of it, considering how not-discerning Jim was when it came to sex. Admittedly, he was a bit curious. 

Okay, he was a lot curious.

He also lived by a certain rule about shitting where one eats. As in, you really weren’t supposed to do that. Ever.

He looked back across the table at Jim, who looked confused and a bit flustered.

“Good one, Gary,” Jim finally said as he reacquainted himself with the PADD. “Seriously, you’re hilarious.”

Oh right. Of course. Why would Jim be interested in him of all people?

Probably was for the best with that whole shitting thing again. Bones tried to shake it off as he went back to his own PADD.

“Good, wouldn’t want to catch anything.”

If by shake it off he instead meant to be a petulant child about the whole thing.

Jim stiffened and went a little pale. He wordlessly grabbed his fork and filled it with beefaroni. 

_Oh shit_.

“Jim just...before you do that think about where we...”

He pulled the fork back like a slingshot and before Bones could finish his sentence beefaroni was all over his face. It was a direct hit. Bones took a napkin from his pile and calmly (well, for him) wiped it off. He glanced up; Jim looked smug and Gary was laughing. 

That wouldn’t do at all, would it?

He quickly loaded up his own fork in a similar manner, took aim, and fired. Luck wasn’t on his side however as half of it sailed between Gary and Jim.

The other half landed on Gary’s face and ear.

“Oh shit!” Jim clapped his hand over his mouth to stifle his snickering. Gary, who was no longer laughing, looked at Bones with a neutral expression.

“So that’s how it is, huh?”

“Collateral damage, Gary, it’s nothing personal,” Bones said with a smile.

Gary grabbed his piece of lasagna in his hand and stood up as Jim continued to laugh. As this was not Bones’ first time to the proverbial rodeo, he immediately ducked and covered his head with his hands. This, unfortunately, left his neck exposed and Gary cheerfully shoved the lasagna down his jacket, patting him on the back to grind it into his skin.

“Sorry McCoy, it’s just collateral damage. Nothing personal,” he parroted back as he moved to the other side of the table again. That did it. Bones didn’t bother with the fork this time, grabbing a handful of the pasta and throwing it at both Jim and Gary. His aim was true, and he got both of their faces. Gary sputtered and Jim scowled before shaking up his can of Coke.

“Food fight,” Finnegan screamed from the next table before grabbing his cottage cheese and flinging it at Gaila. She shrieked when it hit her, but collected herself quickly and rallied. She took her bowl of gumbo and flung it without impunity, splattering it across Finnegan’s chest. Finnegan just threw his head back and laughed before grabbing some peaches off another cadet’s tray and hurling them back at her.

It didn’t take long for it to escalate and soon the entire west half of the mess was engaged in a no-holds-barred battle of cuisine. Quite a few cadets ran for cover under the tables or fled the mess all together, but that didn’t stop the fight’s participants.  
After spraying soda all over Bones and Bones’ swift retaliation with a pudding cup, Jim was searching for more ammunition. He looked off to the left when something caught his eye, and he lit up. 

_The Salad Bar_.

There were all _kinds_ of weapons to be found there. Everything from yogurt to the three-bean salad. He bolted it for it, unaware of Bones being right on his heels.

Laughing, Jim went right to the strawberry yogurt kept in a cooled vat at the end of the bar. He grabbed a heaping ladle full of the stuff and took aim, flinging it quickly. Bones managed to duck and avoid it, but he caught another cadet in the back of her long ponytail.

Bones looked over his shoulder at the unfortunate casualty before stopping short and kind of freezing. Jim looked at him quizzically.

That was when, going by the expression on Jim’s face, he recognized the hairstyle.

Cadet Uhura slowly turned around to face them with a barely controlled look of fury on her face. She stared at them both, and Bones felt himself shrinking back from her gaze.

“ _You_. Of course it was you.”

Bones managed to reach Jim’s side at this; once more, Jim became pale. Bones couldn’t really blame him for that, given the circumstances.

“Uh...hi, Uhura. You know, I can explain. This wasn’t...I wasn’t...I mean it was not...I would never do that to you.”

“Smooth.”

“Shut up.”

She angrily wiped the yogurt out of her hair and flung it onto the ground. “Of all the inexcusable, irresponsible, irrational, immature...”

“Is she going to only use adjectives beginning with the letter I?” Bones whispered to Jim. 

“Well, she is a linguist. I wouldn’t put it past her,” Jim pointed out.

That was when the artichoke hit Jim in the face.

“Ow,” he exclaimed. “Jesus Christ, what the hell was that?” He picked it up and looked at it as if it had personally betrayed him. “Where did this even come from? They don’t serve these on Tuesdays! They don’t serve these ever!”

Bones reached out a hand to grasp Jim’s shoulder. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, I just don’t get where the hell this---”

A long, loud whistle interrupted both Jim’s musings and Uhura’s tirade.

Captain Pike was standing on a table, looking down at all of them with a completely bewildered expression. “Attention!”

Everyone fell into position.

“What the hell is going on here? Is this the kind of conduct you all feel is appropriate for Starfleet officers? A Goddamn food fight? This isn’t summer camp!”

They were all still at attention so none of them could hang their heads in shame properly.

“You all should be embarrassed of yourselves. If you’re not already, I’ll make sure of it. Effective immediately, every one of you is knocked down to phase one alpha for the next two weeks.”

Jim and Bones both widened their eyes. _Fuck_. 

“That means no civilian clothes, no going out, no liberty, no privileges. You go to class, come eat _without incident_ , and go back to barracks. Oh and have fun mustering every two hours. If a single one of you so much as steps one toe out of line, it’ll last longer than the next two weeks.” Pike jumped down off the table. “You’re all getting unexcused absences from class to clean this place up. Get to it.” He began to make his way out of the mess hall when he turned back around. “At ease.” 

The cadets all relaxed, although quite a few of them were glaring at Jim and Bones, something for which Bones really couldn’t blame them. He knew he and Jim would get into trouble but he didn’t think they’d all get punished. Some of the people in there were only minding their own business. 

Speaking of... 

Uhura turned back to face them and if she had been angry before, she was down right _pissed_. “You,” she snapped as she pointed at Bones, “are old enough to know better. And _you_ ,” she hissed at Jim. “You need to _stay away from me_.” With that she turned and flounced over to where Gaila stood. The two of them began talking heatedly. 

“I guess we can safely assume you’ll never get that first name now.”

Jim scowled at Bones, who shrugged helplessly in response.

“Too soon?”

 

_The Second Battle of Cream Pie_

Having learned their lesson from the Artichoke Incident, as Jim referred to it, there were no more food fights after that for literal years.

For one thing, they were grown men, and it was somewhat unbecoming.

For another, every time Bones would joke about throwing something at Jim, he’d get kind of embarrassed and twitchy. Probably some form of phase one post-traumatic stress disorder. 

It didn’t help that they were kind of shunned for an entire semester after that incident. Not that Bones could really blame the other cadets; over a hundred people had been put onto alpha because of the two of them. He would have hated him too. 

It definitely was a Kirk and McCoy versus the rest of the Academy situation for a while, but that was all right; they had each other, and it was all they needed.

Sometimes Bones felt like he should examine that more closely, but he decided instead to not think too hard about it. He just knew that he and Jim were close and that, even though their social circle was now a bit bigger on the _Enterprise_ , that wasn’t going to change. There were many evenings spent having a quiet drink together to close the night out.

He felt like he should wonder about that too, but again he didn’t examine it too closely.

In his infinite wisdom, Jim somehow talked the Enterprise’s kitchen staff into hosting a party for the crew. They were six months into the five-year mission and apparently he felt like morale needed boosting. So there Bones was, wearing a paper party hat and helping set out crudités when he could be doing his inventory or something.

Lieutenant Commander Horowitz, more commonly referred to as Muriel, began to wheel out a cart that was covered in pies. Banana cream, if Bones had to guess.

“Banana cream,” Jim announced with a wink in his direction. “Your favorite, Bones.”

Bones cleared his throat before looking at Jim in surprise. Jim suddenly seemed interested in a spot above his head, though, and looked kind of uncomfortable. 

Every time Bones thought he had a handle on his relationship with him, Jim would do something like arrange for his favorite pie at a party or mysteriously acquire Bones’ favorite bourbon. Bones wasn’t above clinging to these moments, though, so he just relished them for what they were.

And if they made him ache in his chest, that was nobody’s damn business but his.

“Thanks, kid,” he said, because calling Jim “kid” helped him keep his distance. 

As always, Jim scowled at the pet name. “You were only in first grade when I was born, Bones.”

Bones rolled his eyes; time for some old-fashioned pigtail pulling. “You don’t get called ‘kid’ because of your age, Jim. You get called that because of your rampant immaturity.”

Jim froze and turned to Bones with a steely gaze. “Says the guy who dumped a bowl of risotto on my head in retaliation once.”

“And me by proxy,” Sulu called from where he stood by the punch bowl.

“And Sulu by proxy,” Jim reiterated. “Not to mention starting a full scale food war in the Academy mess hall.”

“Only because I have to sink to your level, princess,” Bones said with a shrug. Inside his head, he winced because normally ‘princess’ was reserved for special occasions. Using it in this context would escalate the argument, and since they were about to have a party to boost morale, he didn’t think he and Jim arguing would go over that well. 

Jim’s eyes had narrowed to little slits.

“…Scratch the princess?” Bones said with another shrug. He also began to search for a way out that didn’t involve groveling. Jesus, he and Jim weren’t even romantically involved, but Jim had putting him on the couch for the night down to a fine art. 

Scotty and Chekov came into the mess hall holding hands, stopping short when they took in the sight of Jim and Bones. 

“Mummy and Daddy are fighting again,” Scotty said to Pavel, who nodded before thinking for a second.

“Who is which?” Pavel asked, genuinely curious.

“Jim’s totally the mom,” Uhura said loudly from where she stood putting up crepe paper.

Jim turned his glare from Bones to her as Bones burst out laughing.

“Oh God, that’s just fantastic,” Bones said in between gales of laughter. “Everyone has your number, Jim.”

The blind could have witnessed the look on Jim’s face as he almost too-calmly picked up a cream pie. Unfortunately for his safety, Bones was laughing too hard to notice.

At least, until Jim grabbed his head and shoved the pie into it. Then it was Jim’s turn to laugh as Bones grabbed the aluminum pie plate and dropped it onto the ground. He could barely see anything through all the whipped cream and filling, but he knew enough to know where Jim was. 

Scotty and Chekov stood gaping in shock until Sulu grabbed Chekov and Uhura grabbed Scotty. 

“We don’t want to be here for this,” Sulu said by way of explanation.

“If I stay, I will beat them to death with my bare hands,” Uhura added. The four of them quickly made a hasty exit out the back door. 

Jim began to run across the room as Bones grabbed a pie from the cart. He had to be careful; if he miss-timed his throw, Jim would get away Scott free.

And that shit was categorically unacceptable.

Jim happened to be running to the door when Bones took aim and tossed the pie. It arced a little high, but it looked like its aim was true.

Or it would have been, had the door not opened suddenly right behind Jim.

You see, in all the commotion of everyone else running out the back door…no one was able to warn Spock.

Time seemed to slow down at that moment.

Jim skidded to a halt to avoid knocking over his First Officer.

Bones shouted “No!”

Spock raised an eyebrow just in time to get hit in the face with the pie. Some of the spatter ricocheted off Spock and hit Jim on the side of the face.

Everything went still.

“He did it, Bones did it, oh my God Bones so did it,” Jim frantically said.

“I am never robbing a bank with you,” Bones grumbled and waited for Spock’s insane Vulcan rage to end his life. Good thing he had updated his will the previous week. Jim and Jo were his beneficiaries and executors, and he hoped there would be enough for them to be comfortable for a while. 

Starfleet life insurance was surprisingly comprehensive.

Spock wiped a hand down his face, tossing the bulk of the cream onto the ground. He stared at Bones with seething contempt that rivaled his girlfriend’s as being the scariest Bones had ever seen.

“I do not desire to know why you deemed such an action appropriate,” Spock began, and both Jim and Bones were immediately cowed. “Nor do I wish to know what was the catalyst for such behavior, being that you are two of the senior most officers on this vessel. I feel, however, that lecturing you on the responsibilities and proprieties befitting your stations would be a wasted effort as it will simply go unheeded the next time one of you crosses the other.”

Now both Jim and Bones were hanging their heads in shame.

“I have heard of your previous antics at the Academy, and I must question why neither of you have learned from your prior mistakes or simply ceased spending time in another’s presence as this behavior seems more commonplace than it should be.”

Head still bowed, Bones winced a little.

“In closing, I will be taking my leave in order to shower and change into a clean uniform.” Spock clenched his teeth, practically growling out his next words. “And I suggest you clean up after yourselves before the crew arrives.”

With that, he shoved open the mess door and…well, flounced was really the only word for it.

Jim looked at Bones with an incredibly shamed look on his face, which was fine because Bones wasn’t doing a whole lot better. In fact, he was probably worse since he goaded Jim into it in the first place.

“Here,” Jim said quietly as he grabbed a towel. Bones stood still as Jim wiped the cream and pie from his face and hair as best he could. They were silent during his ministrations, and Bones hoped the flush on his face could be attributed to embarrassment and not his hopeless feelings for his best friend.

“Thanks,” Bones said when he was done. He grabbed another towel and began to wipe up the floor. Jim took the same towel he used for Bones’ face and began to wipe up the door with it.

“No more food?” Jim asked. 

“No more food,” Bones quietly agreed. 

 

_The Sinking of the Beef Wellington_

This time had been a genuine accident. Bones would seriously claim that until his dying day.

The _Enterprise_ was having a formal dinner for several ambassadors that were currently visiting the ship. Beef wellington was on the menu for the evening, as none of the ambassadors were Vulcan. Everyone was on stand by in their dress uniforms per protocol, and if Spock seemed hyper vigilant about Bones and Jim getting near the buffet, no one commented, least of all them.

Bones sighed a little. He hated formal functions, he had always hated formal functions. He barely made it through cotillion season without slitting his wrists. And don’t even get him started on that horrendous and huge country club wedding Jocelyn insisted on. 

The only good thing about that had been the open bar.

Speaking of liquor…”Bourbon, rocks,” he said to the bartender. The bartender nodded, and Bones turned his back to him as he watched the room.

Jim was schmoozing with a diplomat, and Bones took his drink gratefully as he watched him work. 

The dress uniform was perfectly tailored to Jim’s body, and it made him look almost unbearably dashing. Bones frowned at this.

Instead of being some kind of epic film moment, the realization that in fact he was in love with Jim was quiet and subtle. It just hit him one night when they were drinking together, and Jim had laughed at something Bones said. Bones simply thought _I want to spend my life with you_ and went about his business.

There would be moments here or there, where it almost seemed like Jim was interested, but nothing ever came of them. 

So Bones said nothing. 

And it was fine. It didn’t hurt or anything. It just was what it was. He dealt with it.  
Bones took another long drink of bourbon. 

“This party isn’t bad enough for you to be drinking like that,” Jim said, having snuck up on Bones while his eyes were closed. 

Bones snorted. “I hate this shit. All this pomp and circumstance; I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since my wedding.”

Something shifted in Jim’s face when Bones brought up his wedding, almost like something died in him. He quickly cleared his throat and looked away. “That must have boded well for you.”

“Probably should have taken it as a sign, yeah,” Bones conceded as he signaled the barkeep for another round. “Want a drink?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, I could use one.” He drummed his fingers on the bar, and the bartender poured bourbon in a second glass for him. “Want to check out the food?”

At this, Bones suddenly realized he was starving. “Yeah.” They took their drinks and walked over to where the buffet line sat. A server was cutting pieces of the beef off and placing them onto plates.

“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this before,” Jim said. “It’s just beef in pastry, right?”

“With foie gras and truffles,” Bones explained as he took a plate. 

Jim, who was inspecting his own plate, looked at Bones curiously. “Sounds awfully rich.”

“It can be,” Bones said as they made their way to their table. Bones took the seat directly to Jim’s left. They quietly began to eat, although Bones had forgotten that Jim was left-handed, and their arms kept bumping. 

After a few bites, Jim reached for something at the same time Bones did, and their hands met.

Jim flushed and jerked his away, mumbling an apology. 

Bones rolled his eyes, even though it stung. “What, do you think I’m gonna bite you?”

Jim flushed again and glared at him. “I was trying to be polite.”

“You’re acting like a kid who just discovered cooties,” Bones retorted, and Jim’s expression darkened. 

“I really hate it when you refer to me as a kid,” Jim groused. “I’m not a fucking child.”

Bones should have taken that for the warning it was and backed down. He knew this. Maybe it was his pent up frustration at the whole unrequited love thing, or maybe he was an idiot, but something made him push just the same. “Then stop acting like one.”

Jim clenched his hands into fists, and for a second and in spite of their surroundings, Bones thought Jim was legitimately going to take a swing at him. Fortunately at that moment, Scotty came over to the table, standing behind Bones.

“Captain,” Scotty said with a smile. “Ambassador Ezakiya is requesting you…”

Jim didn’t hear him; he instead flung his beef at Bones, who ducked. The beef hit Scotty square in the chest of his red dress uniform. 

Scotty stood with a shell-shocked expression. “I just had this cleaned,” he said, not a little forlornly.

Bones stood and grabbed Jim’s arm. “Excuse us,” he said brusquely as he pulled Jim out the banquet hall through the back door leading to the kitchen and into a pantry. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted when they were alone. 

“Oh right, you fucking insult me in public and somehow _I’m_ the asshole here,” Jim shouted right back. 

Bones put both hands on his hips. “Jim, we are in the middle of a diplomatic function, and furthermore we agreed on no more food fighting. Just…what the shit?”

Jim glared at him. “I am so Goddamn sick of you calling me a kid all the time! I am not a kid, I fucking outrank you even! Knock it the hell off!”

Bones looked at Jim. There was something behind his words, something other than anger. Was it pain? “Why does it bother you so much? I let you call me Bones, even though you started that because of me saying something about my _incredibly painful_ divorce. It’s not more fucked up than that.”

“Because I’m an adult, it’s demeaning, and I also get the damn point. You look at me like I’m a kid. That’s all I fucking am to you!” Jim suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth like he had said too much. 

Bones stared at Jim; that sounded like Jim had feelings for him. Without a word, he placed both of his hands on either side of Jim’s head, boxing him into the pantry. Jim looked up at him with eyes full of fear.

“I don’t think of you as a kid,” Bones drawled. “If I thought about kids the way I think about you, I’d be thrown in jail for the rest of my life.”

Jim lowered his hand from his mouth as Bones moved closer to him. The air was practically humming with an electric current, and the attraction was undeniable. Bones looked down from Jim’s eyes to his lips. He leaned in close, his eyes closing as he went...

Before their lips met, Jim let out a strangled cry. He shoved one of Bones’ arms down and slinked past him.

“What the fuck?” Bones said as he turned to face him.

Jim’s face was bright red, and he wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I can’t. I just…I can’t,” he said as he bolted out the room, leaving Bones alone.

Bones rubbed a hand down his face, before making a loud angry sound.

_Goddammit_

 

_Operation: Just Chocolate_

Six months after Jim ran away, the crew of the _Enterprise_ found themselves at yet another formal function.

This one was much more enjoyable, however.

Pavel Chekov and Montgomery Scott got up from their table, and, hands entwined, took to the floor for their first dance together as a married couple. The music began and they swayed together happily as the crowd watched and took pictures.

Bones watched them with a half-smile on his face as he sipped his champagne. It was really wonderful that, in the midst of everything they as a crew went through, two people could find one another like that.

A small pang hit his chest, and he found his attention diverting to Jim.

It had hurt a lot, the way he left things that night with the beef wellington. What hurt even more was the way Jim avoided him in the days that followed. It made Bones scared to even bring it up, and so he hadn’t. Now they were just in a holding pattern of sorts.

Bones knew what he wanted. Hell, he’d never wanted anything so much in his life.

Unfortunately, and judging from the way Jim ran from him, it just wasn’t going to happen. So he made his peace with it.

Well, mostly.

Stupid wedding.

He drew his attention back to Scotty and Chekov as the song ended. Bones was the first person to applaud them, others around quickly following suit. They made their way back to their table with bright grins on their faces. In spite of all logic, they really did make a wonderful match.

Standing from his seat next to Scotty, Jim dinged the side of his champagne flute with a fork. “If I could have everyone’s attention?” 

The room quieted down and everyone turned their eyes to him. Jim stood and smiled.

“It’s not every day we have a wedding on the _Enterprise_. Hell, this is the first one actually. But I can’t think of two better to have this honor.”

The crowd murmured their agreement.

“I just wanted to congratulate the both of you. I’ve never seen two people more suited to one another. Especially not a pair that started out as friends.”

Bones sighed a little at that and looked down at his plate. Stupid, stupid fucking wedding.

“That’s the difficult thing about this. Getting past that friendship, I mean, because you wonder to yourself if it’s really worth the risk. Is it really worth losing everything that I already have, everything we’ve already built? So maybe you get scared of what could go wrong. But maybe...maybe one day you decide that the risks don’t really matter after all. Maybe you decide you want to try.”

Looking up at those words, Bones saw that while Jim was talking about Pavel and Scotty…he was looking right at him.

“Maybe you decided that having everything is worth it.” Pausing for a moment, Jim turned his attention back to the couple. “I’m glad you two decided that you’re worth it.” Scotty and Chekov were hand-in-hand as they smiled back at Jim, who raised his glass to them. “To the happy couple!”

“The happy couple,” the crowd echoed as they all drank with Jim, his eyes never leaving Bones’ face.

The dancing picked back up again as Scotty was pulled onto the floor by Uhura and likewise Chekov with Rand. The desserts began to be wheeled into the room, including the chocolate fountain. Jim got up from the table to help himself to the marshmallows and chocolate. Hesitating for a moment, Bones quickly followed him.

“That was some speech.”

Jim didn’t look up as he concentrated on dipping the marshmallow. “Oh yeah? I kind of winged it.”

“I figured.” Bones grabbed half of a banana and dipped it in the chocolate next to Jim’s marshmallow. They were close enough that they barely brushed their hands together. “Jim...”

A flush formed high on Jim’s cheeks. “Yeah?” Their eyes met, and Bones knew that if ever it was the moment, it was then. 

Before he could say anything, Jim swiped his fingers in the fountain and dragged the chocolate across Bones’ face.

That little _shit_.

Jim was actually staring at his own hand in disbelief. “Why do I always do that?” he wondered. 

Bones cleared his throat. He opened his mouth before closing it; his usual rant about _you suck forever, Jim_ , wasn’t going to work this time. “Because you’re scared,” came out instead, and Bones quietly congratulated himself as it stuck to his brutal honesty but wasn’t just bile-fueled rage.

Jim’s eyes filled with gratitude and, yes, love. “Yeah.”

Bones took a bite of his chocolate-dipped banana. “You gonna take your own advice?”

Before Jim could answer, a voice called out the word “Captain,” startling them both enough that they flung their food towards the person.

Where it promptly landed on the pristine white tuxedo of Pavel Chekov.

The room went silent.

Jim and Bones stood with wide eyes and their hands up towards the ceiling.

Chekov started to stutter indignantly. He also began to swear profusely in Russian.

“Oh I um…” Jim started.

“We should…” Bones said.

“Bye!” they exclaimed in unison as they turned tail and sprinted out the hall, down the corridor, into the turbo lift (where they ran in place out of sheer instinct), and all the way into Jim’s quarters where he promptly locked the door with his override so no one else could get in.

They stood panting with their backs against the door.

“We are so fucking dead,” Jim proclaimed. 

“We sure as shit are,” Bones agreed. “And it wasn’t even a fight this time.”

“I hope you enjoy your last hours alive, Bones, because um…there is no way we’re getting out of this one.”

Bones looked at Jim sideways, thinking back to their aborted conversation at the wedding. “If my last hours are with you, then yeah. I’m gonna enjoy them.”

Jim looked at Bones for a second before clearing his throat and looking down at the floor. It lasted only little while before he met Bones’ gaze head on with resolve in his eyes.

“You asked me if I was gonna take my own advice,” Jim said. “Well, you tell me.”

With that, Jim closed the distance between them and gently kissed Bones. Bones didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him as his eyes slid shut and a pleased sound escaped his mouth. It didn’t take long for Jim to bring his hands up to cup Bones’ face, and they lingered together until breathing became a necessity.

They broke the kiss but stayed close together. Jim’s eyes were sparkling and sure, and Bones was positive he had the dumbest grin on his face.

“God, Bones, if I knew that’s all it took to get you to smile, I’d have done this years ago,” Jim teased as he caressed Bones’ face.

“Don’t spread this shit around, I have a reputation,” Bones replied as he pulled Jim closer. Jim went willingly, and they kissed again. This one wasn’t gentle, as they both put all of the years of pent-up longing and emotion into it. Bones opened his mouth, and Jim obliged him, sliding his tongue between Bones’ lips. Bones sucked on it for a little while before dancing his tongue with Jim’s.

Jim broke the kiss and panted. “Bed?”

“Hell yes,” Bones said without any hesitation. He grabbed Jim’s hands and pulled him back to the bedroom area of his quarters. Jim quickly took control from Bones and pushed him down so that he was sitting on the mattress. Jim smirked down at him.

“My bed, my show,” Jim said as he stroked the lapels of Bones’ suit jacket. 

Bones angled his head up to look him in the eye. “Gonna order me around even in the sack, huh?”

“Not order, you’d just do what you want to anyways,” Jim said with a mischievous expression. Bones had to concede he had a point. “No, just…you can be in charge next time. I’ve waited too long for this, and I have it all planned in my head.”

“You would,” Bones grumbled, though it was good-natured. He opened his legs, letting Jim stand in between them. Jim once again placed his hands on Bones’ face and kissed him thoroughly. Not able to let Jim run things completely, Bones began to strip off his suit jacket and tie. 

Jim broke the kiss long enough to utter an approval as he removed his own jacket and tie. He then ran his hands through Bones’ hair, causing Bones to sigh a little in response. 

“Hair’s a button, hm?” Jim said as he did it again.

“It is with you,” Bones said as he closed his eyes in pleasure. He didn’t see Jim’s answering smirk as he did it for a third time. Bones growled a little. “It’s starting to verge on dirty pool, Jim.”

“Okay, okay,” Jim said with a snort. “I’ll stop. For now.” He shifted downwards so that he was straddling Bones’ lap. “I got other ideas for you, anyhow.” Jim began to undo the buttons on Bones’ shirt one at a time. He pulled the shirt free from Bones’ slacks before pushing it down his arms. 

Bones reached up and began to return the favor. He wanted Jim’s skin against his, and he didn’t want to wait a second longer. The shirt was discarded haphazardly on the floor, and Jim smiled at him like a fallen angel.

Bones used this moment to his advantage, as he picked Jim up and tossed him flat on his back on the bed. Jim’s eyes widened as Bones climbed over him, nuzzling into his throat. He licked a path up Jim’s neck before sucking on a spot.

“You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?” Bones asked quietly as he bit down a little.

Jim gasped. “I kinda did, actually. Although right now I’m not super clear on why...”

Bones continued to kiss and suck down Jim’s neck to his chest. He bit on Jim’s collarbone, causing him to arch up into it. Bones reached a hand down between them to rub Jim’s cock through his pants. Jim cried out before putting a hand into Bones’ hair; he wound his fingers into it, gripping it tight. 

Bones smirked as he continued to suck marks onto Jim’s skin. Slowly he undid Jim’s fly so he could slide his hand down into his briefs to touch his cock. Jim cried out at the sudden skin-to-skin contact as Bones began to work him hard.

“ _Ah_ , oh God,” Jim said as he jerked his hips up in time with Bones’ hand.

Bones pulled back from Jim and watched his face. “Gonna make you come like this, then I’m gonna fuck you, darlin’.” Jim closed his eyes and panted. “Gonna make you writhe and call my name.”

Jim whimpered, biting on his bottom lip. “Promises, promises,” he stumbled out. 

Bones smirked. He pulled his hand away from Jim’s cock long enough to lick it, then began to stroke him again harder. 

“Oh God, Bones, _please_ ,” Jim said between gasps. “Oh fuck, harder, faster, anything, just… _fucking please_!”

Almost crossing the line from pleasure into pain, Bones gave Jim everything he asked for. “Gotta say, Jim, you are real pretty when you beg.”

Jim clearly had nothing to say to that as he twisted his free hand in the sheets just in time to come all over Bones’ fist and stomach. Bones continued to stroke his shaft, more slowly to help bring him down and out of it. Jim took a deep breath, and it came out on the edge of a mewl. 

“Shit,” Jim said as he opened his eyes. “Holy shit.”

Bones brought his hand to his face and began to lick it clean. Jim watched him for a second before leaning up; he reached his tongue out and began to lick his own come off Bones’ hand. Their mouths met in the middle, and Jim took the advantage to push Bones onto his back. Jim bent down and licked the come off Bones’ stomach.

“While I have you here,” Jim said with a wicked grin as he pulled down Bones’ slacks and boxers. “It’s my turn to make _you_ writhe.”

Bones’ cock stood free from its confinement, and Jim slowly took the tip of it into his mouth. Bones debated on the finer points of closing his eyes and laying back, but watching Jim give him a blow job quickly won out.

Jim slid Bones’ cock deep down in his throat, breathing through his nose as he did so. He slid his mouth up and down Bones, before he started to hum.

“Oh, shit,” Bones cried out as he fisted both his hands in Jim’s hair. He began to thrust his hips up into Jim’s mouth. “ _Jesus_ , Jim.”

Jim smirked a little as he pulled back up to the head of Bones’ cock. He swirled his tongue around it before licking down the underside of the shaft. Jim licked his way back up his cock before taking him deep again. He slid his mouth up and down, effectively fucking him with his mouth.

“Fuck, Jim, you were _made_ for this,” Bones groaned. Somehow in spite of giving him head, Jim winked at him before taking Bones all the way again and humming a second time. With a loud growl, Bones came down Jim’s throat. 

Jim made a satisfied noise as he swallowed. Once he was sure he had gotten it all, he pulled off Bones with a pop. Jim rested his head against Bones’ thigh, panting a little. Bones let go to grab his shoulders, pulling Jim up towards him. Jim went with a curious expression. 

“Hi,” Bones said with a grin. 

Jim smiled back. “Hi yourself.”

Bones pulled him closer and kissed him. Jim greedily kissed him back, and Bones managed to roll them so that Jim was on his back once more. He grabbed Jim’s wrists and held them up over his head. 

“Mmmph,” Jim said before breaking the kiss. “I didn’t know you were into this, Bones.”

“I’m into lots, you just never asked,” Bones said as he kissed him again. 

Jim smirked. “Is that you fishing for me to ask?”

“Nah,” Bones admitted as he moved to kiss Jim’s cheek. “We’ve got time to get to everything.” 

And you know what?

They did.

 

_Moonlight Revenge_

“Are we really sure this is a good idea?” Hikaru Sulu asked as he ladled parmesan risotto into a large bowl.

“I don’t know if I’d call it _good_ per se,” Scotty said as he sliced a beef wellington. “But justified? Yes, you bet your ass, and yes.”

Nyota continued to open container after container of strawberry yogurt. “They’ve brought this upon themselves. No matter how many times they’ve been warned to stop, they keep at it. Maybe this will finally shame them into ceasing.”

Chekov, who was melting large quantities of chocolate in a double boiler, frowned at the memory of his wedding day. “No matter how much I try, the stains will not come out,” he lamented. He held up his spoon and watched the chocolate ripple off of it down into the pan. “No, Nyota is right. They only have themselves to blame.”

Spock, who was assembling two cream pies, nodded his agreement. “While I would normally argue that seeking revenge is illogical and a waste of time, I find that in this particular case I am hard-pressed to care.”

“Are you having second thoughts, Hikaru?” Nyota asked as she began to dump the yogurt into a large plastic container. 

“Hell no,” Sulu replied. “I’ve been dying for this since that first semester at the academy. I just wanted to make sure we’re all clear on the fact that Kirk could probably have us court-martialed for insubordination.”

They all looked at each other. 

“Not a jury in the land would convict us,” Scotty finally said. 

“Fair enough,” Hikaru said. “I withdraw the statement.” 

Spock, who had finished with his pies, walked over to the computer console in the kitchen wall. “Computer, locate crew member Kirk, James T.”

_Searching: Ready Room, bridge level._

If Spock weren’t Vulcan, he would have smiled at that. The captain was right where they wanted him. “Locate crew member McCoy, Leonard H.”

_Searching: Ready Room, bridge level._

Even better.

His friends all exchanged what could be described as diabolical smiles. 

“We should get up there,” Pavel said. “Before McCoy leaves.”

“Agreed,” Scotty and Sulu said at the same time. 

Nyota just grabbed her yogurt. “Let’s move out.”

They did.

\-----

“You wanted to see me, Captain?” Bones asked as he stood before Jim’s desk in his ready room.

Jim put down his PADD and looked up into Bones’ face. “ _Captain_? Really?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “You made me come here with an official memo.”

“I did do that, yeah,” Jim said as he leaned back in his chair. “But I figured it was better than a message saying ‘I miss you’.”

The look on Bones’ face was priceless. “You figured that _abusing your authority_ was better than texting me with _I miss you_?”

Jim shrugged. “Got you up here, didn’t it? Your way I wouldn’t see you until after you got off work.”

Bones opened his mouth to argue, then changed his mind and closed it. It really sucked when Jim had a point. “The next time you do this, I’m gonna ignore you.”

“Mmm, no you won’t,” Jim countered. 

“Oh yes, I will.”

“No you won’t, because if you ignore me then we can’t fuck in here.”

Bones blinked.

“I mean, I can jerk off thinking about you throwing me down on my desk,” Jim continued. “But that’s not really a lot of fun; I’d rather have the real thing.”

In addition to his face flushing, Bones’ cock was now standing at attention. They had only been together for two weeks, and it was like his dick was one of Pavlov’s dogs. 

“You’re awful quiet,” Jim said with a knowing look. “Not a fan of the desk idea?”

“You know Goddamn well I’m a fan of the desk idea,” Bones snapped, although there wasn’t any real anger behind it. He narrowed his eyes, staring pointedly down at Jim’s crotch. “I think you get off on being a tease.” 

Jim stood from his chair and shook his head. “Teases don’t deliver. I _always_ follow through.” He walked around to the front of the desk and began to play with Bones’ tunic. “Don’t I?”

Bones didn’t answer him with words; instead, he took one arm and swept all of the shit on Jim’s desk onto the floor. Jim raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment, which worked out well because Bones kissed him. Jim made a pleased sound as Bones grabbed his ass and lifted him just enough to sit him on the desk. 

“This is so unprofessional,” Bones said as he kissed Jim again. Jim began to pull Bones’ blue tunic up and over his head.

“It is _incredibly_ unprofessional,” Jim agreed. “Computer, lock door override Kirk-alpha ten.”

The door locked and Jim started to kick off his boots. Once they were taken care of, he wrapped his legs around Bones’ waist. 

They were so wrapped up in each other that they didn’t notice Scotty “undo” Kirk’s override. They also didn’t notice the door open to reveal their friends.

They _also_ didn’t notice said friends staring open-mouthed at the scene before them.

“Wow,” Hikaru said quietly.

“I think I could have gone my whole life without seeing this and died happy,” Nyota said with distaste.

As if on cue, Jim and Bones shed more clothing. “Oh God, Bones, more,” Jim said. 

Pavel frowned. “Now I feel bad about our revenge.”

“Bad enough to back out?” Scotty asked his husband.

Thinking for a moment, Pavel shook his head. “My tuxedo was expensive.”

Spock, who naturally had only raised an eyebrow at the captain and the doctor, cleared his throat. “On three. One…two…”

The five of them quietly rushed to the desk. 

“Three!”

All at once, they dumped their respective containers on Jim and Bones.

“Holy _fucking_ shit!” Bones exclaimed.

“Oh my God!” Jim seconded.

The mixture was awful. It smelled horrendous, and it looked even worse. It was stuck in their hair, all over their pants…it would probably take about three showers for them to get clean. It was horrible.

It was _awesome_.

Nyota and Hikaru high fived each other, as Pavel and Scotty danced together with joy. Spock, while not openly smiling, may as well have been for the look on his face.

“And that,” Nyota said, “makes us all even.”

Bones spit out a mouthful of yogurt and risotto. Jim wiped whipped cream out of his eyes. 

“All right, all right,” Jim said with a pointed glare. “You made your point. We’ll never food fight again.”

“Heard it said before, and we’re not buying what you’re selling,” Scotty answered. Pavel and Hikaru nodded their agreement. “We need an incentive this time.”

Bones and Jim looked at each other.

“You can do this again in public if we ever so much as think about it,” Jim said. Bones grudgingly nodded his agreement. “Like, I’ll call an all hands muster and everything.”

The five officers looked at each other for a long time. 

“We find this acceptable,” Nyota declared. 

“Good.” Jim sighed and made a face. He then looked at the mess pooling on his desk. “Maintenance is going to skin me alive.”

“Not our problem,” Sulu said with a wink. “We interrupted you so, you know. As you were.” With that, they turned and left, but not before Nyota made gagging sounds in the back of her throat.

Jim looked at Bones. Bones looked at Jim.

“No offense, but I’m not fucking you like this,” Bones finally said. “I don’t want to even think about what orifices this shit will end up in.”

Jim _hm_ ed for a second. “Let’s go back to my quarters, shower, and then fuck in said shower.”

Bones brightened. “Twist my arm.” He helped Jim off the desk, and they gathered up their clothing. Not caring who noticed, they walked out of the Ready Room and down the hall to Jim’s quarters.

And they totally fucked in Jim’s shower.


End file.
